Even If The Skies Get Rough

I've realized since I posted my first official blog that I'm constantly thinking of things I can write about. So, here goes a bunch of random thoughts!

This past Saturday, we said goodbye to my Grandma one last time by placing her ashes near my Grandpa. My family gathered around the garden area and my mom said the sweetest words to her mom. She thanked her mom for making her the mom she is today. Then she said something that in a time of extreme sadness in my heart, made me feel better. Though she has left us here on earth, her job isn't done. She is now going to be Kellan's angel. What a comforting thought. While I go through the initial shock, it is the best feeling knowing my Grandma is looking over all of us from Heaven.

We've told a lot of people the last few days about our little Kellan. In telling everyone, I've realized I have some pretty amazing people in my life. One person in particular gave some very sound advice. Ironically, she is the person that also inspired me to start a blog. Thanks to Facebook, I have kept in touch with an acquaintance from high school, Annie Hammes (Staebler). She lost her 17 week old baby to SIDS in December 2010 and since then has wrote the most inspiring blog. (http://staeblerfamily.blogspot.com). Read it from the beginning, every post is better than the next.

Anyways, I reached out to her because though our situations are very different, I felt like I've been with her along the way as she grieved the loss of her son and turned to her to help me. She helped me make sense of what I was feeling. I wish I could understand why God has the plans he has for us here. Though I'm lucky in the fact that my little baby boy is still here with us, I am grieving the loss of what we expected and dreamt Kellan would be. By far the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I know we will have new dreams for Kellan and he will show us what he is capable of doing throughout his life, but adjusting those dreams makes me sad, mad and makes me feel really unlucky.

One other friend told me she believes a lot of growing and healing is based on a little bit of faith, love, and pure luck. I love that thought. I know for sure my faith will be strengthened through this, my love has grown even greater for my little bug, and I think we deserve some luck! I've also realized from some advice I got, that this is going to be a difficult adjustment for Brett and I, little Kellan will just keep being the cute, happy baby he is. Thank you Kellan for having the best smile in the world to remind me of this everyday.

Lastly, I received an amazing email from one of my Customers when he learned of what we are going through. He is one of my favorite customers and his thoughts seemed quite profound. Here is my favorite part of his email to me:

"He is such a cute little guy and he is going to continue to be the light of your life and inspiration every day. It is so amazing to see them learn everything for the first time, when it takes months for them to learn to crawl but they never give up until they get it. As we get older it seems we somehow lose that drive to keep trying when we fail and it comes so natural to babies."

I'll end my thoughts on a positive note. Get ready for it. Our little superman learned to roll over from his stomach to his back this week! And, has done it several times, so it's not just a fluke! We start physical therapy on Monday, Brett and I are both very eager to learn more ways to get Kellan stronger.

Lastly, I feel like songs take on a new meaning when you are going through something hard, thank you Jason Mraz for picking me up this week...
                                   
                                               "I won't give up on us...
                                                  Even if the skies get rough.
                                                 I'm giving you all my love,
                                                    I'm still looking up."